i need a moment

Reality is the leading cause of stress

I really could use someone to vent to because I just don't have that anymore. Uncle Drama 2.0 started last week and is not stopping at all. Early Thursday afternoon it all started to just get to me. I spent all last night walking around not saying one word which ticked off my Grandpa. But had I opened my mouth and talked they would not have liked what I would have said. This morning was just more of last night.

So I broke down, and ate a pizza today. Pizza really is my stress food. I feel calm when I eat it, but it makes me slightly sick at the same time. I'd been doing good too, 2wks no pizza and then all this happened. At least I couldn't eat the whole pizza but I ate enough of it. But I didn't know what else to do.

I need to come up with a better way to relieve this stress instead of eating pizza. I really want to cut it completely out of my diet if I can. But easier said then done. I really feel like I should go walk 5 miles now but due to pouring rain I can't right now.

I need to join a Gym for women only.
i need a moment

The advantage of science is that it is not emotional


My External HD decided to have a fit this past week. And despite all my best efforts to save all my content it was for not. The drive was reading a good amount of my files as corrupted despite some of the files still working. So I had to re-format the drive despite not having all my files just to save the drive. So now my drive is good again but I've lost a good deal of my stuff.

I lost all my music, movies, tv shows, Physis files, artbook, concerts, nook pdfs and manga. OMG I want to cry. I really do. But I know that there was nothing more I could have done to save the files but still.

taemin, kiss

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes

So last Friday (01/17/14) I went and bought me my very own:

I'm really excited about it. I started in that Friday and while I haven't really finished any pages yet, I have worked on a few things here and there. As I complete pages I will post them here to share with everyone.

My hope in doing this is that it will help me vent when I am unhappy and help me to can back some of my creativity.

Let's get Physical

Yeah for tacky puns....moving on. XD

So I am a fat blob. And I hate it. And I know that I should love myself how I am but that is very hard to do when I hear about my weight from my family non-stop. It's like, give me something positive but it seems there is none. So back in November I started thinking about joining Weight Watchers. And while I decided to do it my Mom gave me second thoughts. But it made sense for once. How do you diet to lose weight when you don't really eat food now? I mean really, how? Compared to most people who are my weight I don't eat anywhere near what they do. I could write on the front side of one piece of paper what I eat. And just thinking about that makes me really sad. Not to mention other factors that are almost certain to set me up to fail. I mean really....so many issues.

- I can't have fake sugar (gives me headaches so diet soda is out. So no aspartame, Splenda, Stevia, Truvia, etc..)
- Taste and Smell Sensitive (if it smells bad I won't even try it, and overwhelming tastes make me sick)
- Hardly ever Hungry (I pretty must don't feel hungry so eating 3 times a day is an issue. I feel sick when I force myself to eat)
- Seafood is a no (allergic to shellfish and most fish, so really I just stay away in general)
- Picky Eater (trying something new is traumatic for me. It's like jumping out of a plane in my mind)

Those are the main issues that I have. While the Seafood isn't that big of a deal; since no one would force me to eat it; the rest are pretty big. But I have to figure out and find support to deal with these issues otherwise I am going to fail. And I don't want to fail. I have goals that can be worked out and met but working out how to make it work is another story. But the first one I need to tackle is being about to eat six times a day. My childhood Dr. and Neurologist told me from 14yrs old on that I should eat six times a day. It would benefit me more then anything because of my headaches and other medical issues. But to go from eating twice a day to six times a day has always seemed like a massive task. And while I have an idea of a way to do it, actually doing it and working it out to make it reasonable will be the hard part.

Lots of more things to think about.

Let's Watch: Documentary - Blackfish

When I first heard about the documentary Blackfish I was intrigued. I wanted to see the film makers point of view. Despite the fact that SeaWorld didn't offer their take on what was going on the film was rather interesting to watch none the less. And while it should be viewed as a one sided point of view it did make some interesting valid points that you help understand to some extent why the Orca's; the film mostly focus on Tilikum; in captivity have killed people.

But the film wasn't always correct with it's information and there were somethings I really disliked about it over all which I have listed below.

  • The use of the term 'Killer Whale'

        This has always annoyed me. Orca's are not whales. Just because they are the size of some whales doesn't make them a whale. They are much a dolphin which is reflected by how they interact with each other.

  • Orca's have never harmed Humans in the wild

         This statement is partly true, They have never fatally harmed humans in the wild, but they have come close. Like most apex predators in the wild they have mistake humans as 'food' and attacked. But no one has ever died.

  • Let's set them all Free

        Umm, no. I get the romantic notion at the end of the movie 'Free Willy'. Let the Orca's free. To anyone that thinks like that I feel I must slap you. A good deal of the Orca's that are captive now have been born into captivity. They don't know what an ocean is. For the Orca's that were once wild they were caught when they were 4 to 5yrs old. At that age they would just be starting to learn how to hunt for themselves. Taking them away from their families before they learned the skills they would need to survive meant that returning them was impossible. The sad reality for them is that while they were forced into the habitat they live in now there is no going back. They don't know how to hunt, they are not familiar with the ocean at all. When all you have known for most of your life entails being fed without having to go look for the food yourself, you become used to that. And it's a sad thing,.

  • Stupid Humans

        The 'Former Trainer's' interviewed for this film were just stupid. You became an animal trainer because you believed that it would make the lives of these animals better. That they would be forever bonded to you. Really? These people live in La La Land. I don't understand how someone who wanted to make a difference in the lives of animals would go into a job and just believe every little thing force fed to them. I get that management would not want you to know about the past history of a violent animal. But to stand there and say that you wanted to make the animals lives better without knowing anything about the general species itself is absurd to me. When I got my first dog, I went straight to the vet and the library and found what every information on the breed I could find. I wanted to know what the standard base line for the animal was. And I get that most people don't think the way I do. But when your working with something as big and powerful as an Orca you need to know what the species as a whole is capable of. Oh, but the best part was when one of the male trainers said he disliked how SeaWorld did things. But he 'stayed for the Orca' because he 'pitied him'. How can you bond with an animal that you pity? How can you stay and knowing what is being done to the animal is wrong yet you watch? Stupid Humans.

  • Side Way Blaming

        The film does this a lot. On one hand it blames Sealand, then SeaWorld, then blames the Orca, then blames the Humans. But if you really stop and think about it the group that should really get the blame is the Humans. We are the one's that took these animals, trained them and set them on display for entertainment. In the case of Tilikum; the Orca which the film features the most; it is noted early on that the Sealand trainers trained him using methods that would not only with hold food from him when he didn't do the correct behavior but food would be withheld from the more experience Orca they were using as a teaching aid from him. This in turned made the other Orca violent towards him. The film also noted that Tilikum was beat up a bit at Sealand and SeaWorld by the females we was with which caused him to have to separated and kept alone. For a highly evolved social animal like Orca's that would be traumatic and cause them to become neurotic. So you take into account instants like this and you wonder why he can be violent. I don't necessarily blame the Orca's. All sides agree that the Orca's didn't kill out of hungry or hatred. In terms of the first death the film negated to mention that Sealand later found that both female Orca's were pregnant at the time of the first death. The film hinted at the fact that other people stated that all 3 Orca's had a hand in the first death as well but the film just wanted to focus on Tilikum. The second death is more of a conundrum. SeaWorld as a lot of security and camera every yet. Yet the second person was able to hide from them, avoid night trainers and get in the pool with Tilikum. For this death there are two accounts of what may have happened. SeaWorld says the guy stripped naked, climbed into the pool and died from hypothermia and drowning. The film states that the man was attacked, that Tilikum stripped him of his clothes and ate off his genitals. Somewhere between both of those accounts is the truth. The third death the films main focus. We all know how she died. And while SeaWorld maintains it was still her fault the truth is that it more then likely a combination of her and Tilikum's fault. On lookers noted that the Orca had become frustrated when he wasn't rewarded for doing certain task. Dawn; the third death; should have been able to notice the change in his mood and stopped the show. But the show had to go on and we all know the result.

So all in all Blackfish is worth watching as long as you take it all with a grain of salt. No side is completely right in this matter but makes for wonderful debate material none the less.
i need a moment

The right Bra make a difference

I went and got fitted for a new bras today. Which for me is NEVER a fun experience. I have had just the worst issues with bras since I started wearing them which more often then not would cause me to not wear them at all. So tired off having to deal with my issues I got up the nerve to go to a shop that caters to larger sized women.

I walked in and the lady came over to me and asked how she could help me then she before I could say anything she looked at me and said, "Oh My, you look so unhappy and uncomfortable. I can see your bra is just all wrong. Is that why you are here?" I kinda just stood there like an idiot and nodded my head. So she grabbed my hand and took me into the back and asked me to take off my shirt. She then asked what size bra I had on now. I told her it was a --DDD; I'm not sharing the size with you guys sorry; and she looked at me and said. "Honey no wonder your so miserable I bet your a G." I was FLOORED. I have always been measured at a DDD there was NO WAY I could be a G. If only you guys knew how right I wanted to be but damn it.

After trying on a few different styles of bras I found one that worked best and got a few of them. To my surprise the fit was better then any other bra I have had ever. But now I am more determined to lose weight so that my breast can not be a size G. Where the hell did E and F go? No, I went from being a DDD to a G.

All my Mom could say to me was that my Grandma had big breast too and since I take after her it's only normal. But I thought being a DDD was huge, being a G is like enormous to me. I feel like crawling into a hole over this. I know I sound like I'm exaggerating but I hate bras and the idea that now that I have some that fit me the way they should it's almost like having to expect them and like them. I really wish I didn't have to wear them at all. But alas having big breast makes it awkward to walk around without a bra on. This bites.
taemin, kiss

Changes should be easier

I have decided to start really making some changes to my life this year. And while the list isn't really that long it is rather daunting in terms of the effort it is going to take.

List of Changes:
  ♦ Lose Weight / Start Weight Watchers
  ♦ Give up Sodas all together
  ♦ Start Couponing for Grandpa
  ♦ Get a JOB (really why is it taking so long -_-;;)
  ♦ Down size / Donate things I no longer need (I'm a bit of a Pack Rat)
  ♦ Reorganize my Life
  ♦ Working on Myself (learning to like myself has always been a fight I have lost)

While most of this will be simple to task to do some of them will not.  The hardest for me will be 'Working on Myself'. I've never liked myself so learning how to will be rather difficult. And while I hope that losing weight will help me to gain some self appreciation I am aware that it's not a guaranteed thing. But I am personally at the point where I need to stop hiding. I'm going to be 33 this year, it's time. I need a life and I need to get out and be more social. It's something I think I am personally ready to do. I have nothing to lose and only something to gain. But it all still feels overwhelming to me. -_-;

So that is my plan for 2014. It's only 13 days late. But hey, better late then never. So wish me luck and give me advice if you have any. I'll post more about some of it later.

Now I must go and finish the last of my Pepsi for it will miss me when I give it up~

TCG Update List

This is going to take a little while. This list will help me keep track.

Δ Elements (all games)
Δ Heartchu (all games)
Δ Moonlight Legend (all updates back to the 7th of December, all games)
Δ Music Station (all games)
Δ Novella (all games)
Δ Rapture (all games)
Δ So Magical (all games)
Δ Vibra (all games)

edit -
The damn Java games are killing FF, which in turn is killing everything else. RAM hurry and get here.
  • Current Music
    Just Between You and Me - Lou Gramm
  • Tags

Let's Work on it List

Just a simple list for me:


  • fix Garden Link

  • Start Nagareboshi layout

  • Edit Kaleidoscope Layout

  • Remake graphics for Kaleidoscope

  • Rewrite information for Kaleidoscope and how it will work

  • Finish DELiSH layout

  • Finish DELiSH card sets

  • Install myTCG, CuteNews for DELiSH

  • .....DELiSH has a lot of stuff it needs really

  • Work on Link Buttons

  • Work on Links Out in general


  • play and update all TCGs

  • refind fonts for card templates

  • Check all forum post and answer them

  • Lost mind as this will take me all week to update


  • Order RAM for Laptop

  • Catch up on Scanlations

  • Work on my Flavors.me page

  • Find where I left my brain

  • Find my Sanity (doubt I ever will)

  • Find a Mood Set for LJ (do people still make these?)

  • Current Mood
  • Tags
dr.who, tea

Let's start something new

Well this year has certainly started off rocky for me. Let's see where to start...I know let's start at the END of 2013.

Before Christmas my Computer decided it wanted to sleep...permanently. I'm still upset over this, I lost a lot of data and trying to remember what I have backed up and what don't is pretty much still driving me mad. My mom gave me her old laptop which she never used much. After I fixed it, re-imaged it and got everything up to where it needed to be I discovered that this laptop is badly in need of RAM. This laptop runs Vista and Vista alone takes about 1 gig on RAM to run. Which sucks for me because money wise I can't afford to buy RAM to get it up to where it needs to be. So it's only got half the programs I need on it. While it runs just fine with 1gig of RAM it has it's moments. FF doesn't like it at all and keeps throwing script errors left and right if I am not paying attention to what is on and what is being accessed which makes me annoyed more times then not. So for a good deal of December till now I have pretty much off the internet. Which has been rather relaxing for once.

After Christmas before New Years; well the 28 to be exact; me, Mom and Step Dad where on the way to meet my Brother, his Girlfriend and her Family for a lunch in. While on the way my Step Dad decided to take MLK to get to the restaurant which is rather off. Normally he would take the expressway but for what ever reason he didn't. So we are in the car talking and in the middle of MLK; which on a normal day would be really busy; there is a this little dog sitting in the street. So we stopped the car in the middle of the road, my Mom jumps out and chases the Dog to the side of the road and then turns to walk towards the car. The dog follows so my Mom opens the back door and the dog jumps in. OK, so now the four of us proceed on our way to lunch. Mom took the dog back to the house while me and my Step Dad meet everyone and proceeded to lunch. I have to say that while I like the food at the restaurant we went too, they had is all spread out between four tables despite the fact that we were told they could put tables together and sit us all down.After lunch I took my Mom's car and the Dog to the Humane Society to report him lost and to see if his family could be found. He was clean when we found him and already fixed as well. I put in an application to adopt him just in case and left after that.

New Years was boring due to me being sick. Damn sinus infection. So I was in bed for a week.

On the 4th or January I was feeling well enough to FINALLY see the second Hobbit Movie. It was really good for a movie but I won't go into details because that is a rather long rant. In the middle of the movie my phone starts to vibrate which was odd. But I ignored it. Well when the movie was done I checked my messages and found that the Dog from a week earlier was ready for me to come and claim. I though to myself, WOW really?, no one came to claim him. I went straight home after that, changed my clothes and headed to get him. I choose to name him Zeus; since my Grandpa wouldn't let me call him anything else; and brought him home.

Zeus is a Long Haired Dachshund (might me mixed?). He is Black and Tan in color and about a year old. Right now he is being treated for Kennel Cough but other wise he is a little ball of energy who follows me everywhere. Image of Zeus - (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BdK3E3WIAAAPc8W.jpg:large)

So right now I am taking care of my new Dog, and playing catch up with stuff. But that is for tomorrows post.