Making myself happy

You know I have never been one to put myself before other people and maybe just maybe this is where the bulk of my issues are coming from. I mean hey, why do I need to be the person that supports and goes out of their to help everyone. When did I sign up to solve everyone's issues while ignoring my own. It just makes me feel like a door mat.

So I have to start doing things for me for a change and not caring what anyone says about it. So I decided to start off by ordering a new External HD. My old one lived for 7yrs and then killed itself. I was sad to see it die but it served it's purpose well in the end. So once my new HD comes in I will be able to save all my stuff and reimage this PC again to make it run better. I have a clean vs of Windows 7 going on this PC that should make it run like new. So yeah~

I'm also thinking of trying Q-box. It's a monthly box you can buy that will give you beauty products from Japan and Korea. The company is based out of Canada. So that might be the next thing I buy.

Mindless Chatter

Have you ever felt that you need help, but you just don't know the first place to go or even where to start? I don't know what it is but I am starting to feel like I can't cope anymore. I mean sure I try and take my mind off of it by doing other things and keeping myself busy. But it's in those moments when I have to stop and take a break that it comes creeping out.

I just feel so angry lately because of stupid drama that should be over with already. But for 5yrs now it's been complete and utter drama and non-stop. One issue on top of another. And it seems like it's just meant to be endless.

I mean, I know leaving and getting out will help put and end to everything but how do you do that when you don't have any money to do so. If could get out of this state I would drop everything in a heartbeat and go. Hell, if I thought Ricky would let me move in with him I would be on my way to Kentucky in a heart beat. But he has enough issues right now. And the idea of becoming homeless in order to get out of this state doesn't appeal to me.

The summer was great, I had a temp job I could focus on and be out of the house 5 days a week. But being home everyday makes me feel ill. And I don't know if I can do that for much longer.

I just need a starting point. Just a small one would be a help.
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    These Dreams by Heart
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i need a moment

The Apple is a lie

You know the saying, 'An Apple a Day keeps the Dr. away.'. I would like to kick whoever came up with that. I eat apples daily and yeah...I'm F-ING SICK!

It's not so much the fact that my headaches; I'm lucky to have days where this doesn't happen; or that my ears hurt. It's that damn sore throat from the persistent cough that irks me. I was told that I should be feeling lucky since I only have to deal with this once every 5 to 6 years. And that I shouldn't complain because it's finally my turn to be sick for once. That person was lucky the baseball bat wasn't near my hand otherwise they would have gotten a beating. The fact that I had to get sick at all is enough. More so that I have to work through it. So instead of getting plenty of rest I am out chasing after children. And then people are like...oh you lost your voice? Again, why was my baseball bat not in my hand?  Or course I lost my voice. I have to talk to the children with a sore throat and have sore throat won.

So basically I have an Upper Respiratory Infection. I get them about once every 5 years. Mostly triggered by really bad allergies. What makes this time worse is the fact that I can't really call out of work. And the fact that my voice if basically gone doesn't mean anything. I still have to talk to interact with the kids the best way I can. The upside to working while being sick is that I can push my mind else where and deal with it, but at home it's a different story. I do not enjoy waking up every 2hrs because I keep cough so much. My grandpa is in the other room yelling at me to take cough medicine which I'd already done. He doesn't get that I have to wait 4hrs before taking more. Plus I am taking Advil twice a day to knock out the head and ear aches as much as I can.

Damn I don't see how my Mom and Step-Dad can deal with this on a yearly basis. I would go nuts....oh wait, already there. 
taemin, kiss

Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need.

I start my Seasonal Summer Job tomorrow and I am excited about it and nervous. I did this 2yrs ago and while I had fun I didn't have the best experience due to the people I worked with. But Cee asked for me personally to come and do this so here I am. I'm a different location with different people, The location itself is smaller which means less kids; 54 in total; and no summer lunch program madness. I also believe the timing is good as this will give me a much needed break from the insanity that is my family at the moment.

Monday's for the next two months are going to be really long since I will be going straight to Spanish class after work. I am still really resentful about having to relearn and improve my Spanish just to make my chances of a full time job better but that seems to be the way of the world now so I can't do much about that. But I don't have to like it.

My Spanish teacher is a really nice guy. When he asked us to say something in Spanish to see if any of us were at any level I decided to say the word 'Ocean'; someone else had already used water and milk. So I said 'Oceà' which made him look at me weird. And he said say that again, so I did. He then looked at me and asked if I was Spanish; which I thought was odd; and I said. My Step-Dad is half Spanish however on his Mother's side. He asked where she was from so I said Key West Florida was where she was from but her family came from Spain. For which he then said AH HA. He then explained to everyone that I was right and Oceà was Ocean in English but it was the Catalan way of saying it. Which makes sense since Dora; my Step-Dad's Mother; spoke a mix of Spanish and Catalan. So yeah, I already learned something so maybe the class won't be so bad. Now I just have to master words that start with 'Q'. -_-
dr.who, tea

The best armor is to keep out of range

I'm alive...I just really lack motivation to do anything these days. But just in case everyone was wondering here is a break down of whats been going on.

But before that...WTF LJ? I would like to know what the hell is loading no stop on your's rather annoying to the see the loading sign just load and load and never stop. Fix that will ya.

Ok, onto me.

aka Butt-head is as happy as ever. He thinks I am his personal driver and chair which is kinda cute. Thankfully at 15lbs I don't mind so much that he sits on me, but he likes to dig his paws into my boobs and that hurts. He also likes to bury himself under me at night when I am trying to sleep. I have tried to tell him that it's hard to sleep when I feel like I am suffocating my 15lb dog but he doesn't mind. He will be getting his own dog bed in two weeks and then I will no longer have to share my bed. (I hope.)

Family (uncle drama)
Non-stop drama that has gotten out of hand. I have decided to just stop talking about it period. The more I talk and think about it the more stressed out I become and when I am so stressed out that the only thing I can think of is eating a whole pizza alone and by myself. It's not a good feel. In fact the few times I broke down and did this I got super sick from it. So yeah, I will no longer be talking about anything bad family wise on here. It just makes me ill.

Job Front
Kinda Employed. I got a seasonal job with the city. So I will be working over the summer. Nothing big but I get paid and out of the house and away from above. I am looking forward to starting this on the 9th of June. It also gives me a little break from looking for a job since I will be working. I'll start searching again in July. But yeah, MONEY.

Going back to School
Due to drama and unfortunate events this is out of the question. For now.

Brother News
My brother got engaged. No news on when they he and his GF will actually marry; I know they don't want a wedding and I don't blame them; but she has a ring. Now if only he would learn to drive.

Family (non-uncle drama)
My mom and step-dad decided to renovate their house some what and actually took my advice. I'm kinda sad that I couldn't help take down the walls but dust allergies are not fun and it was dusty I hear. In all they will be having the main bathroom, kitchen, dining, living room and entry room redone. I talked my mom into going with an open floor plan so that it will make everything bigger and give her the bigger kitchen she wanted. I also suggested having an island with a bar top so they could eat off it in the mornings or when ever. Sadly she can't have an actually floating island. We found out that who ever had the house before us took down a major supporting wall and because they didn't have the budget to have a massive support beam added they had to go with a pillar instead. So the pillar is being integrated into island and we have been told it will look nice when done. So yeah, I'll post pictures of all this later in the week.

Was I on one...or suppose to be? (hides)
I've been too stressed out to think about this. But I haven't forgotten about it.

Ok, that's it for now. I know I have more to talk about but I'll do that later. Right now I need to look into a new layout or this thing; I want Rahenna's layout.


The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.

I'm kinda in a standstill with myself. And I don't know what to do.

The other day while sitting outside with my Grandpa he looked at me and said, "Why don't you go to school. Go to Erwin, learn something you can do to get a job. I'll pay for half of it if you Mom does. But you have to ask her." Well I did and she; like I thought she would be; was pissed off at the idea of it. So I thought that was the end of it. But it turned out that it wasn't. She told me today and if I was going to do this and if she was going to help pay for it then I need to do something that I want. To either return to ITT and finish my degree or go to HCC and get a two year degree. She said, that while in school they could help me with finding a job and that in turn would allow me to pay for the classes myself.

I was little taken aback by her saying that. In fact last night I was looking at HCC's catalog at the Computer degree's they offer. If given a choice I would love to take either Computer Information Administrator or Computer Programing. And now it looks like I just might get to do this. But should I do it? Grandpa would have to cash in some of his stock to do this and Mom would be eating into her Reno budget for the house. Is it really fair of me to take this knowing that I screwed up the first go around?

I'm going to go and talk to the people at HCC before I make a decision. But I am still very torn.
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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Sorry my posting habits haven't really gotten any better. I've been dealing with Family Drama that I really don't want to bother anyone with anymore. I talk too much about negative things anyhow so I'll spare you guys.

So let's talk about other things.

So I know back in Dec/Jan I talked about Zeus (Ancient Greek: Ζευς pronounced Zoos) and how I came to have him. I must say that in the last few months that this Dog has made me so happy when I was feeling like crap. I really feel that I was meant to find him and to have him. My grandpa thinks that I baby him to much because I like to take him with me when ever I can. But I don't see the issue with it since I am ok with it. I've also in the past few months learned just how different having a male does is. I've been around male dogs but I haven't owned one. And let's face it, the last dog I owned was Sabrina and I am still not over her. I still call her name sometimes without thinking. But Zeus to me is special. He truly wants to be with me despite being more of a 'male dog'. He loves sitting with my grandpa and with my stepdad but when I am getting up to do anything he is right there on my heels. My mom said that he was not interested in what she was really doing the whole time she had him at the house with her the other day. But the moment I was in the house and started to move around she took note of how he would just follow me.

Oh yeah, and Zeus is adorable. He is a Doxle. Thou not an official Designer Dog his mix is more common then I thought. He is a mix of a Long Haired Dachshund and a Beagle. He is 15lbs of energy to boot. He love the stuffed Hippo I got my grandpa for Christmas. Bert is Zeus best friend. I've also come to realize that Zeus is the best name for him. I originally wanted to name him Hiro using the character 博 for 'esteem'. I though it would have been a nice name. But my grandpa was right about his name. The name Zeus means 'shine' or 'sky' which is so much more fitting for him. I know it sounds corny but he really does make me happy.
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    Walk of Life by Dire Straits
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dr.who, tea

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

So many things have gone on lately but I am alive, I think.

For starters I had to take some time off due to the lack of RAM in my laptop. I just couldn't deal with Firefox locking up on me every 10mins. It made it unbearable to update my TCGs, post a entry, etc. But I got my new RAM in today and I must say, that 4GB of ram makes me one happy person. It's so nice not having to stare at my PC while it tries to contemplate the meaning of life. Or me having to stare at the task manager wonder which processes I can kill without causing the laptop to have a heart attack. So Yeah, one issue down.

Right now I have to re-reformat my external HD. Western Digital as the software on their site to set it back to factory which is what I should have checked into in the first place. But alas I am not the best thinker when I am stressed beyond belief. So what little I had saved on it from before I am pulling off and re-formatting it tonight. And then I will have to play 'Let's remember everything you had on the drive', a game I rather hate.

Been working out the details of my diet for the past few weeks and I have decided I am going to go with smoothies. Being the ultra picky eater I am, the idea of eating food scares me. So trying to eat rice and baked chicken will not work with me. I'd rather starve sadly. So I have been reading about raw green smoothies and using them to lose weight. I idea seems good to me. I'd rather drink something then eat it. Plus I can take veggies and mix them in with fruits and consume them that way. I mean, I like those fruit blends that V8 does so I should be ok with that. And while my Dr said she doesn't recommend the idea I have for a diet every, she said for me it might work. The idea is to do Smoothies 3 times a day as the main meals. In between them I would eat healthy snacks like all natural peanut butter on toast or some dried fruits or unsalted nuts. The idea is to do this for a two or three months in order to get me into the habit of eating 6 times a day and get me out of the habit of all the junk I eat. That way after two to three months I can start switching out the shakes at lunch or dinner for an actually meal. I think for me this will work. Because I don't have to buy per-packaged crap, I can control everything that I put into the shakes and I can make the shakes to taste so they will be things I like. My Dr said, that I should start with very realistic goals or else I will fail. And I have to say, it's been hard to give up the urge to eat pizza. I want it knowing that it makes me so sick later on but it's like a drug to me. And I've been good. Only cheated twice in the past month.

Other then that, I am thinking of doing some simple Yoga. I walk pretty much every day and I plan to start swimming again too. But I think Yoga would do me good and I can do it every other day to start. I just have to keep my self motivated. I don't want weight lose surgery and I am tried of wearing a size....24. Gah, now that I have said that I need to run and hide.

Let's Watch: Movie - Heathers

I have always believed that I have an odd taste for movies. I tend to like dramas and black comedies more then fluffy happy stories; though I like those as well. So when I find myself in a self-hating and depressing mood I turn to movies that have a darker comedic nature. On my list of 'Movies that make me Feel Better' sits Heathers. A movie I think that everyone should at least watch once.

Now I don't remember this movie being in the theaters. I know it came out the same year as Beetlejuice (1988) when I was about 6 or 7. (Depends on the time of year.) So for the longest time I didn't know of this movie. And like most older movies that I came to like I discovered it by chance. I was about 14yrs old when I first came upon Heathers on TV late at night. (Remember when the USA network used to show uncensored movies after midnight?) What made me stop to watch the movie was seeing Winona Ryder and Christian Slater in it. And I just so happen to be a fan of both of them. In fact, he is one of only 2 actors I have even sent a fan letter too and the only one to reply back. (Yes I still have the photo.) I had seen him in the movie Pump Up the Volume just a few mouth before and liked him in an instant. (Had my mother known what was in that movie she wouldn't have got it for me) So I was surprised to see him with Winona Ryder. Heathers turned out to be an instant favorite.

I mean what is not to love about two crazy teenager's killing the popular kids in school and making it look like suicides. Only to discover that in death they gave the people they killed more meaning and depth then they had in life. The movie makes light of not only the deaths of the people but in how they died and the death notes that were found with them. The movie also uses color themes as a way to point out not only the main group but to show who has the power.

The movie also gave us some really fun quotes. Here are a few of my favorite ones:

Veronica Sawyer:
All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Veronica's Dad:
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

Kurt's Dad:
My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.
(They think he was gay because instead of beer they had a Bottle of Mineral water at the scene. LOL)

I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.

Heather Duke:
Veronica, you look like hell.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah? I just got back.

And I think this is where I will leave off. Go Watch Heathers. It's worth it.