I'm kinda in a standstill with myself. And I don't know what to do.

The other day while sitting outside with my Grandpa he looked at me and said, "Why don't you go to school. Go to Erwin, learn something you can do to get a job. I'll pay for half of it if you Mom does. But you have to ask her." Well I did and she; like I thought she would be; was pissed off at the idea of it. So I thought that was the end of it. But it turned out that it wasn't. She told me today and if I was going to do this and if she was going to help pay for it then I need to do something that I want. To either return to ITT and finish my degree or go to HCC and get a two year degree. She said, that while in school they could help me with finding a job and that in turn would allow me to pay for the classes myself.

I was little taken aback by her saying that. In fact last night I was looking at HCC's catalog at the Computer degree's they offer. If given a choice I would love to take either Computer Information Administrator or Computer Programing. And now it looks like I just might get to do this. But should I do it? Grandpa would have to cash in some of his stock to do this and Mom would be eating into her Reno budget for the house. Is it really fair of me to take this knowing that I screwed up the first go around?

I'm going to go and talk to the people at HCC before I make a decision. But I am still very torn.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: contemplative
Sorry my posting habits haven't really gotten any better. I've been dealing with Family Drama that I really don't want to bother anyone with anymore. I talk too much about negative things anyhow so I'll spare you guys.

So let's talk about other things.

So I know back in Dec/Jan I talked about Zeus (Ancient Greek: Ζευς pronounced Zoos) and how I came to have him. I must say that in the last few months that this Dog has made me so happy when I was feeling like crap. I really feel that I was meant to find him and to have him. My grandpa thinks that I baby him to much because I like to take him with me when ever I can. But I don't see the issue with it since I am ok with it. I've also in the past few months learned just how different having a male does is. I've been around male dogs but I haven't owned one. And let's face it, the last dog I owned was Sabrina and I am still not over her. I still call her name sometimes without thinking. But Zeus to me is special. He truly wants to be with me despite being more of a 'male dog'. He loves sitting with my grandpa and with my stepdad but when I am getting up to do anything he is right there on my heels. My mom said that he was not interested in what she was really doing the whole time she had him at the house with her the other day. But the moment I was in the house and started to move around she took note of how he would just follow me.

Oh yeah, and Zeus is adorable. He is a Doxle. Thou not an official Designer Dog his mix is more common then I thought. He is a mix of a Long Haired Dachshund and a Beagle. He is 15lbs of energy to boot. He love the stuffed Hippo I got my grandpa for Christmas. Bert is Zeus best friend. I've also come to realize that Zeus is the best name for him. I originally wanted to name him Hiro using the character 博 for 'esteem'. I though it would have been a nice name. But my grandpa was right about his name. The name Zeus means 'shine' or 'sky' which is so much more fitting for him. I know it sounds corny but he really does make me happy.
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Current Location: Home
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Walk of Life by Dire Straits
So many things have gone on lately but I am alive, I think.

For starters I had to take some time off due to the lack of RAM in my laptop. I just couldn't deal with Firefox locking up on me every 10mins. It made it unbearable to update my TCGs, post a entry, etc. But I got my new RAM in today and I must say, that 4GB of ram makes me one happy person. It's so nice not having to stare at my PC while it tries to contemplate the meaning of life. Or me having to stare at the task manager wonder which processes I can kill without causing the laptop to have a heart attack. So Yeah, one issue down.

Right now I have to re-reformat my external HD. Western Digital as the software on their site to set it back to factory which is what I should have checked into in the first place. But alas I am not the best thinker when I am stressed beyond belief. So what little I had saved on it from before I am pulling off and re-formatting it tonight. And then I will have to play 'Let's remember everything you had on the drive', a game I rather hate.

Been working out the details of my diet for the past few weeks and I have decided I am going to go with smoothies. Being the ultra picky eater I am, the idea of eating food scares me. So trying to eat rice and baked chicken will not work with me. I'd rather starve sadly. So I have been reading about raw green smoothies and using them to lose weight. I idea seems good to me. I'd rather drink something then eat it. Plus I can take veggies and mix them in with fruits and consume them that way. I mean, I like those fruit blends that V8 does so I should be ok with that. And while my Dr said she doesn't recommend the idea I have for a diet every, she said for me it might work. The idea is to do Smoothies 3 times a day as the main meals. In between them I would eat healthy snacks like all natural peanut butter on toast or some dried fruits or unsalted nuts. The idea is to do this for a two or three months in order to get me into the habit of eating 6 times a day and get me out of the habit of all the junk I eat. That way after two to three months I can start switching out the shakes at lunch or dinner for an actually meal. I think for me this will work. Because I don't have to buy per-packaged crap, I can control everything that I put into the shakes and I can make the shakes to taste so they will be things I like. My Dr said, that I should start with very realistic goals or else I will fail. And I have to say, it's been hard to give up the urge to eat pizza. I want it knowing that it makes me so sick later on but it's like a drug to me. And I've been good. Only cheated twice in the past month.

Other then that, I am thinking of doing some simple Yoga. I walk pretty much every day and I plan to start swimming again too. But I think Yoga would do me good and I can do it every other day to start. I just have to keep my self motivated. I don't want weight lose surgery and I am tried of wearing a size....24. Gah, now that I have said that I need to run and hide.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: calm
31 January 2014 @ 10:06 pm
I have always believed that I have an odd taste for movies. I tend to like dramas and black comedies more then fluffy happy stories; though I like those as well. So when I find myself in a self-hating and depressing mood I turn to movies that have a darker comedic nature. On my list of 'Movies that make me Feel Better' sits Heathers. A movie I think that everyone should at least watch once.

Now I don't remember this movie being in the theaters. I know it came out the same year as Beetlejuice (1988) when I was about 6 or 7. (Depends on the time of year.) So for the longest time I didn't know of this movie. And like most older movies that I came to like I discovered it by chance. I was about 14yrs old when I first came upon Heathers on TV late at night. (Remember when the USA network used to show uncensored movies after midnight?) What made me stop to watch the movie was seeing Winona Ryder and Christian Slater in it. And I just so happen to be a fan of both of them. In fact, he is one of only 2 actors I have even sent a fan letter too and the only one to reply back. (Yes I still have the photo.) I had seen him in the movie Pump Up the Volume just a few mouth before and liked him in an instant. (Had my mother known what was in that movie she wouldn't have got it for me) So I was surprised to see him with Winona Ryder. Heathers turned out to be an instant favorite.

I mean what is not to love about two crazy teenager's killing the popular kids in school and making it look like suicides. Only to discover that in death they gave the people they killed more meaning and depth then they had in life. The movie makes light of not only the deaths of the people but in how they died and the death notes that were found with them. The movie also uses color themes as a way to point out not only the main group but to show who has the power.

The movie also gave us some really fun quotes. Here are a few of my favorite ones:

Veronica Sawyer:
All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Veronica's Dad:
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

Kurt's Dad:
My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.
(They think he was gay because instead of beer they had a Bottle of Mineral water at the scene. LOL)

I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.

Heather Duke:
Veronica, you look like hell.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah? I just got back.

And I think this is where I will leave off. Go Watch Heathers. It's worth it.
31 January 2014 @ 04:35 pm
I really could use someone to vent to because I just don't have that anymore. Uncle Drama 2.0 started last week and is not stopping at all. Early Thursday afternoon it all started to just get to me. I spent all last night walking around not saying one word which ticked off my Grandpa. But had I opened my mouth and talked they would not have liked what I would have said. This morning was just more of last night.

So I broke down, and ate a pizza today. Pizza really is my stress food. I feel calm when I eat it, but it makes me slightly sick at the same time. I'd been doing good too, 2wks no pizza and then all this happened. At least I couldn't eat the whole pizza but I ate enough of it. But I didn't know what else to do.

I need to come up with a better way to relieve this stress instead of eating pizza. I really want to cut it completely out of my diet if I can. But easier said then done. I really feel like I should go walk 5 miles now but due to pouring rain I can't right now.

I need to join a Gym for women only.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: stressed

My External HD decided to have a fit this past week. And despite all my best efforts to save all my content it was for not. The drive was reading a good amount of my files as corrupted despite some of the files still working. So I had to re-format the drive despite not having all my files just to save the drive. So now my drive is good again but I've lost a good deal of my stuff.

I lost all my music, movies, tv shows, Physis files, artbook, concerts, nook pdfs and manga. OMG I want to cry. I really do. But I know that there was nothing more I could have done to save the files but still.

Current Mood: depressed
So last Friday (01/17/14) I went and bought me my very own:

I'm really excited about it. I started in that Friday and while I haven't really finished any pages yet, I have worked on a few things here and there. As I complete pages I will post them here to share with everyone.

My hope in doing this is that it will help me vent when I am unhappy and help me to can back some of my creativity.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Too Much Time On My Hands - Styx
22 January 2014 @ 11:00 pm
Yeah for tacky puns....moving on. XD

So I am a fat blob. And I hate it. And I know that I should love myself how I am but that is very hard to do when I hear about my weight from my family non-stop. It's like, give me something positive but it seems there is none. So back in November I started thinking about joining Weight Watchers. And while I decided to do it my Mom gave me second thoughts. But it made sense for once. How do you diet to lose weight when you don't really eat food now? I mean really, how? Compared to most people who are my weight I don't eat anywhere near what they do. I could write on the front side of one piece of paper what I eat. And just thinking about that makes me really sad. Not to mention other factors that are almost certain to set me up to fail. I mean many issues.

- I can't have fake sugar (gives me headaches so diet soda is out. So no aspartame, Splenda, Stevia, Truvia, etc..)
- Taste and Smell Sensitive (if it smells bad I won't even try it, and overwhelming tastes make me sick)
- Hardly ever Hungry (I pretty must don't feel hungry so eating 3 times a day is an issue. I feel sick when I force myself to eat)
- Seafood is a no (allergic to shellfish and most fish, so really I just stay away in general)
- Picky Eater (trying something new is traumatic for me. It's like jumping out of a plane in my mind)

Those are the main issues that I have. While the Seafood isn't that big of a deal; since no one would force me to eat it; the rest are pretty big. But I have to figure out and find support to deal with these issues otherwise I am going to fail. And I don't want to fail. I have goals that can be worked out and met but working out how to make it work is another story. But the first one I need to tackle is being about to eat six times a day. My childhood Dr. and Neurologist told me from 14yrs old on that I should eat six times a day. It would benefit me more then anything because of my headaches and other medical issues. But to go from eating twice a day to six times a day has always seemed like a massive task. And while I have an idea of a way to do it, actually doing it and working it out to make it reasonable will be the hard part.

Lots of more things to think about.
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Current Mood: moody
20 January 2014 @ 03:24 pm
When I first heard about the documentary Blackfish I was intrigued. I wanted to see the film makers point of view. Despite the fact that SeaWorld didn't offer their take on what was going on the film was rather interesting to watch none the less. And while it should be viewed as a one sided point of view it did make some interesting valid points that you help understand to some extent why the Orca's; the film mostly focus on Tilikum; in captivity have killed people.

But the film wasn't always correct with it's information and there were somethings I really disliked about it over all which I have listed below.

  • The use of the term 'Killer Whale'

        This has always annoyed me. Orca's are not whales. Just because they are the size of some whales doesn't make them a whale. They are much a dolphin which is reflected by how they interact with each other.

  • Orca's have never harmed Humans in the wild

         This statement is partly true, They have never fatally harmed humans in the wild, but they have come close. Like most apex predators in the wild they have mistake humans as 'food' and attacked. But no one has ever died.

  • Let's set them all Free

        Umm, no. I get the romantic notion at the end of the movie 'Free Willy'. Let the Orca's free. To anyone that thinks like that I feel I must slap you. A good deal of the Orca's that are captive now have been born into captivity. They don't know what an ocean is. For the Orca's that were once wild they were caught when they were 4 to 5yrs old. At that age they would just be starting to learn how to hunt for themselves. Taking them away from their families before they learned the skills they would need to survive meant that returning them was impossible. The sad reality for them is that while they were forced into the habitat they live in now there is no going back. They don't know how to hunt, they are not familiar with the ocean at all. When all you have known for most of your life entails being fed without having to go look for the food yourself, you become used to that. And it's a sad thing,.

  • Stupid Humans

        The 'Former Trainer's' interviewed for this film were just stupid. You became an animal trainer because you believed that it would make the lives of these animals better. That they would be forever bonded to you. Really? These people live in La La Land. I don't understand how someone who wanted to make a difference in the lives of animals would go into a job and just believe every little thing force fed to them. I get that management would not want you to know about the past history of a violent animal. But to stand there and say that you wanted to make the animals lives better without knowing anything about the general species itself is absurd to me. When I got my first dog, I went straight to the vet and the library and found what every information on the breed I could find. I wanted to know what the standard base line for the animal was. And I get that most people don't think the way I do. But when your working with something as big and powerful as an Orca you need to know what the species as a whole is capable of. Oh, but the best part was when one of the male trainers said he disliked how SeaWorld did things. But he 'stayed for the Orca' because he 'pitied him'. How can you bond with an animal that you pity? How can you stay and knowing what is being done to the animal is wrong yet you watch? Stupid Humans.

  • Side Way Blaming

        The film does this a lot. On one hand it blames Sealand, then SeaWorld, then blames the Orca, then blames the Humans. But if you really stop and think about it the group that should really get the blame is the Humans. We are the one's that took these animals, trained them and set them on display for entertainment. In the case of Tilikum; the Orca which the film features the most; it is noted early on that the Sealand trainers trained him using methods that would not only with hold food from him when he didn't do the correct behavior but food would be withheld from the more experience Orca they were using as a teaching aid from him. This in turned made the other Orca violent towards him. The film also noted that Tilikum was beat up a bit at Sealand and SeaWorld by the females we was with which caused him to have to separated and kept alone. For a highly evolved social animal like Orca's that would be traumatic and cause them to become neurotic. So you take into account instants like this and you wonder why he can be violent. I don't necessarily blame the Orca's. All sides agree that the Orca's didn't kill out of hungry or hatred. In terms of the first death the film negated to mention that Sealand later found that both female Orca's were pregnant at the time of the first death. The film hinted at the fact that other people stated that all 3 Orca's had a hand in the first death as well but the film just wanted to focus on Tilikum. The second death is more of a conundrum. SeaWorld as a lot of security and camera every yet. Yet the second person was able to hide from them, avoid night trainers and get in the pool with Tilikum. For this death there are two accounts of what may have happened. SeaWorld says the guy stripped naked, climbed into the pool and died from hypothermia and drowning. The film states that the man was attacked, that Tilikum stripped him of his clothes and ate off his genitals. Somewhere between both of those accounts is the truth. The third death the films main focus. We all know how she died. And while SeaWorld maintains it was still her fault the truth is that it more then likely a combination of her and Tilikum's fault. On lookers noted that the Orca had become frustrated when he wasn't rewarded for doing certain task. Dawn; the third death; should have been able to notice the change in his mood and stopped the show. But the show had to go on and we all know the result.

So all in all Blackfish is worth watching as long as you take it all with a grain of salt. No side is completely right in this matter but makes for wonderful debate material none the less.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: These Times - Walk Off the Earth
18 January 2014 @ 01:53 pm
I went and got fitted for a new bras today. Which for me is NEVER a fun experience. I have had just the worst issues with bras since I started wearing them which more often then not would cause me to not wear them at all. So tired off having to deal with my issues I got up the nerve to go to a shop that caters to larger sized women.

I walked in and the lady came over to me and asked how she could help me then she before I could say anything she looked at me and said, "Oh My, you look so unhappy and uncomfortable. I can see your bra is just all wrong. Is that why you are here?" I kinda just stood there like an idiot and nodded my head. So she grabbed my hand and took me into the back and asked me to take off my shirt. She then asked what size bra I had on now. I told her it was a --DDD; I'm not sharing the size with you guys sorry; and she looked at me and said. "Honey no wonder your so miserable I bet your a G." I was FLOORED. I have always been measured at a DDD there was NO WAY I could be a G. If only you guys knew how right I wanted to be but damn it.

After trying on a few different styles of bras I found one that worked best and got a few of them. To my surprise the fit was better then any other bra I have had ever. But now I am more determined to lose weight so that my breast can not be a size G. Where the hell did E and F go? No, I went from being a DDD to a G.

All my Mom could say to me was that my Grandma had big breast too and since I take after her it's only normal. But I thought being a DDD was huge, being a G is like enormous to me. I feel like crawling into a hole over this. I know I sound like I'm exaggerating but I hate bras and the idea that now that I have some that fit me the way they should it's almost like having to expect them and like them. I really wish I didn't have to wear them at all. But alas having big breast makes it awkward to walk around without a bra on. This bites.
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Current Mood: irritated